stoneunhinged

Bloggers have certainly achieved a dazzling influence in today’s world. Some bloggers claim—with some reason—to have brought down Dan Rather, for example. And I am almost certain that it was the threat of impending blogging exposure that prompted Mark Felt’s confession to having been Deep Throat.

Well, it’s time for bloggers to unite in achieving something TRULY IMPORTANT.

It is time to find the missing mummy of John Wilkes Booth.

Rather than outlining the entire mystery of the missing mummy here, I would advise all readers to spend time time googling to familiarize themselves with the case. At present it should suffice to say that Booth’s mummified remains have been missing since 1975, where they were last seen in New Hope, Pennsylvania.

I am quite confident that the vast majority of readers will find this situation intolerable. (In fact, many of you have probably spent many sleepness nights over it, as I have.) And most of you, as I, have probably felt quite impotent in the matter.

So I offer a solution: bloggers must get involved, and find that mummy!

My plan:

1. Make the entire blogosphere aware of the situation. Links to my blog are of course welcome—but I’m not in this for the credit, so feel free to voice your own concerns in your own way in your own blog. The important thing is to raise as much awareness as possible.

2. Look for the mummy! When was the last time you were in your own attic or basement? When was the last time you visited your grandparents’ house and looked in their closets? How about your neighbors? Remember, in case people find your nosiness impertinent, to be honest, for this raises awareness. If asked, say: “I’m looking for the mummy of John Wilkes Booth.” They will no longer consider you rude, but civic-minded. I promise.

3. This next step is way beyond my lowly status as a blogger with an audience of 10, but for those giants of the blogosphere: we should offer a reward. If everyone pitched in a fiver or so, and the giants five figures, we might be able to come up with a cool ten mil or so. Maybe we need more. Maybe less. The point is that we need to back up our resolve with the kind of persuasion only violence and bribery can achieve, and being a non-violent sort—we bloggers—we must resort to cold, hard cash. Unless you find the mummy in your grandparents’s closet; in which case I would expect you not to take the reward but instead accept the gratitude of your fellow bloggers.

4. Well, I haven’t yet thought of a step four, but your comments are welcome.

So there is the challenge. Are you up to it for the good of humanity and the sanctity of historical accuracy? Do you want to change the world? Do you want to see the most famous American mummy of them all find a respectable resting place rather than languish in some millionare collector’s bank vault?

The most important thing is this: I have given all of you a reason to blog, in case you didn’t have one. So blog away, and let us recover an important part of America’s heritage.

And by the way, I guess I should give you a picture, in case the mummy you find in your neighbor’s basement is NOT John Wilkes Booth.

Here he is, in 1931 (from HistoryBuff.com):

The mummy is the one on the right.

Thank you for your attention, and happy hunting!

jj

I’ve decided to start a series which I hope will make me the talk of the blogosphere. I shall create the definitive list of reasons to blog. God knows I could make a larger list of reasons not to, but what would the point be to that?

So, onward: reason to blog #1—free gifts!

The way I figure it, if my readership ever climbs over the 10,000 a day mark, I’ve got a great chance at some free gifts. Say I’m complaining about the lack of easy availability of good quality bourbon, and some guy in Kentucky—say some guy who’s job is to promote a distillery, like, Buffalo Trace—reads the post and feels sorry for me. Why, the guy is VERY likely to say, “Hey, I’ll send a free case over to Stoneunhinged in Germany—with 10,000 readers it’s a hell of a good way to promote the product, and besides, the man is probably very thirsty and I feel sorry for him.”

And so I get a free case of good quality bourbon.

The same thing could happen with cowboy boots. Someone reads my blog, feels sorry for me living here in a bootless country, desperate, wishing some boot store would open up down the street with just the boots I want, and he sends me an email, saying, “What size, partner? Would a pair of Tony Lama TLX do? Or would you rather have Justin George Straits or Lucchese alligator belly?”

Or let’s say that some faithful reader decides that in exchange for all the pleasures I have given her, she feels compelled to send a Christmas package stuffed with Hostess Cherry Pies.

Not only do I think this could happen: I think it probably will.

Of course, I think the REAL expensive stuff is probably out of the question. I doubt some mandolin maker is going to build me the F5 of my dreams for no other reason than the pleasure of seeing its picture next to that of my banjo. But it COULD happen—and if I didn’t blog, the chance wouldn’t even arise. Hey people, you don’t win the lottery without buying a ticket. And if you don’t blog, you’re missing all those potential free gifts.

jj