stoneunhinged

I live in Germany. Last I checked, Germany has the third largest economy in the world. Germany is rich, technologically advanced, and people here like to spend money.

But they can’t keep popular products on the shelves.

This winter, in particular, has been particularly irritating. My local supermarket just can’t seem to keep the shelves stocked with the items I buy. It can be anything, from toothpaste to toilet paper to toast.

Today it started with one of my favorite snacks: Snyders of Hannover pretzel pieces, Jalopeno flavored. I was hoping to stock up, since I hadn’t seen any on the shelves for at least six weeks. I figured six weeks was time enough to restock. I was wrong.

On a roll, I decided to see if they had my favorite chicken wings—spicy honey-barbecue Canadian style. I found them the last time I looked for them, so I thought maybe they were restocking them again on a regular basis. You see, I had gone from October through January without seeing them, so I thought—apparently wrongly—that they had simply discontinued and then recontinued them. But no, they weren’t there.

So I went to buy some ramen, which was the main reason for going shopping this afternoon. I usually get duck flavored ramen from Thailand. But the shelf where they used to keep them was filled with some kind of cookies or something. So I roamed the store until I found the new location for the noodles. They had shrimp and chicken flavor (which I bought) but no duck. (By the way: they did have honey mustard flavored pretzel pieces, just not jalapeno.)

The last thing on my personal shopping list was a lemon cake.

Out of stock.

Of course, the stuff on my list for my wife and son was dutifully there, which meant I spent money on them but not on myself.

I once talked about this to a professor of business to whom I give private English lessons. He just laughed and agreed it was a mystery which could not be explained. We also talked about how bakeries run out of bread and bread rolls, especially on Sunday mornings. Why does this happen? Are the people not doing the math? If I turn away 20 customers who would have spent five euros each at bakery A, I lose 100 Euros in sales. If I throw away (or give to a local food bank or some other charity) five Euros worth of bread and bread rolls to make sure I have enough to sell to those 20 customers, I am 95 Euros ahead of the game. If I own fifteen bakeries in a chain serving this fine town, I have earned an extra 1,425 Euros. If I do this every Sunday, I earn an extra 74,100 Euros per year. All I have to do is take the risk of throwing away a few bucks’ worth of unsold bread and bread rolls.

But back to the supermarket: what I do not—what I cannot—understand is why it should take several weeks to restock a certain item. I can imagine a Walmart not having the Stan and Ollie chocolate frog buttermilk mint ripple ice cream I like on a single occasion, but I bet there will be some in the freezer in a day or two. Okay, it’s a weird flavor: it might even take three or four days.

Here in the Democratic Republic of Germany, however, it might take two or three months before I see the product again.

And let’s not even begin to discuss the absence of Hostess fruit pies.

I am an unhappy consumer.

jj

Yes, I did go to the States for Thanksgiving; and yes, I did eat a Hostess Cherry Pie. I even ate an apple one, too, since my father mistakenly bought me a variety of pies. He did not know how narrow-minded I am.

Anyway, thinking about pies led me to google around a bit to see if anything new was going on in the world of Hostess fruit pies, and I found this: Save Fruit Pie the Magician.

I’m not really sure how I feel about this. I like eating the pies. I can’t say I ever really noticed the packaging all that much. So I personally have no attachment to Mr. Pie.

However, I like supporting lost causes (like searching for the mummy of John Wilkes Booth), and I am generally a very nastalgic person. So I am doing my part by giving you dear readers the link so that you can weigh in on this.

Of course, don’t do anything dumb like boycotting Hostess. Keep eating those pies.

jj

Here’s a copy of my email to fellow Americans in the town in Germany where I live:

Hello everyone. Since our forum seems to be dead (which is too bad) I have to take my problems here to the group at large.

I’m obsessing about cookware.

Oh, yeah, I obssess about everything I’m currently engaged with, from bicycles to banjos to playing cards…but eventually I buy what I want (read: after hundreds of hours of research) and am (usually) happy in the end.

But the PERFECT FRYING PAN has been a life-long search from which I have yet to recover.

#1 I, personally, will never buy a coated pan again. Never. My wife can buy one, but I won’t. Not from T-Fal, not from NASA, not from anyone. You end up eating the coating and your food sticks after 3 - 5 years. Who knows: maybe all the Teflon in our bowels helps prevent colon cancer. Regardless, I’m not buying another one.

#2 Forget copper and aluminum and stainless steel. All are compromises. There are only two choices for rational enthusiasts (contradiction!): cast iron and forged iron.

#3 Forged iron. I would love to have a forged iron pan. If I had a professional gas stove like Chris and Tom (and yes, Chris and Tom, I have had truly lustful thoughts about your range with not four but FIVE burners, and if I could somehow knock you both on the head with a (cast iron?) skillet and steal it I ssurely would. Alas! How would I fit it on my bike?) then forged iron would be my choice. Many of the advantages of cast iron, with none of the disadvantages—how could I lose?

But where would I buy such a creature as a forged iron frying pan? There’s here:

link

Which seems convincing and reasonable. A bit of history and something to tell your friends when they ask about your pan (and doesn’t everybody as about your pan?).

I could go here:

link

But I think I’d rather get the former, because of history and all that. The problem is that forged iron—ideal for gas—is perhaps not ideal for an electric range. Now, my wife and I have wanted to have our kitchen totally rebuilt and a gas line put up into the kitchen so that we can install a gas range. But that’s a ways off, and I need my new pan NOW. So forged iron will have to wait. (Or until I get a cast iron skillet and a souped-up suspension for my bicycle.)

#4 The obvious choice is that I want a high quality cast iron skillet. Easy enough. Except: I’ve looked around for years and haven’t seen a single cast iron skillet in Goettingen, much less one of high quality.

Sooo… to the internet. What do you find out? Well, here in Europe, one can get fine quality cast iron pans from this company in Sweden:

link

BUT: I don’t want a wooden handle, because if I’m going to use forged or cast iron, I at least want the possibility of sticking the thing in the oven now an then. But Skeppshult doesn’t have pans with a simple cast iron handle: no, they’ve got to get all pretentious and put a steal handle on the things. And, by the way, I’ve yet to find steel-handled Skeppshult cast-iron pans on the German internet market.

So, alternatives?

I could buy this, for example:

link

which would fit the bill, I think. What’s the problem? well, it’s IMPORTED, from America. Look here:

link

I know the damn thing’s heavy, but why should I pay 60 euros for something I can get it America for 20. Hold on, that’s not true. Look here:

link

Fifteen bucks. Order a couple of books and I don’t even have to pay shipping.

I usually go to the States for Thanksgiving. I could just bring one back, I suppose. Would they allow it in my backpack, or would it count as a possible weapon? Look, my dear friends: IT WOULD ADD ABOUT TEN POUNDS TO MY LUGGAGE!!!!!!!

So, my fellow Americans, that is the puzzle. Should I go back to the forged iron possibility? Do any of you have experience with forged iron? Have any of you seen cast iron at a store in Goettingen? Do you know of a good German cast iron pan manufacturer? Should I just lug the thing back from the States? That would be idiotic if Bovenden turned out to be the cast iron frying pan capitol of the world without my knowing it. Or Waake. AND: what kind of frying pans do Chris and Tom use (or is that 5 burner range just for show? Don’t tell me copper: I’ll be very disappointed…)

That’s it. Of course this is a topic much more suited for a forum. But y’all haven’t supported the forum. So I must harass you here.

Oh, by the way…unless someone offers me a ride tomorrow, I can’t go to reconnoiter Chris and Tom’s 6 burner range…

Love and horses,

Jeff

Okay, that was the email. So far, the responses tend to be: buy one in the States and bring it back. So that’s what I’m planning to do.

But with a kind of brainstorm, I remembered something VERY INTERESTING. My sister (whom I would like to visit again at Thanksgiving, if I can afford it and don’t stumble onto a new job) has a Cracker Barrell just down the street from where she lives. Walking distance, even. And I remembered that the Cracker Barrell has cast iron skillets. So I checked it out on the net here: Cracker Barrell skillets.

They’re made by Lodge, and they have the pre-seasoned variety. So they’re ready to go as they are. And by the way, don’t forget to look at all the Cracker Barrel cookware page here: cookware. I mean, I would like to see my sister, of course, but I’m itching to go to the Cracker Barrell. That’s the next stop after buying a cherry pie.

I wouldn’t be surprised if just a universally interesting topic as this one brings me a few more hits than usual from the search engines. So by all means, advise me if you can.

jj

What this place needs is more pies!

Here’s a picture:

Now, here’s something that should cause y’all to worry:

The picture is stolen. (From here: Pie)

I’m am so desperate for these pies I’m stealing pictures of pies. Now that would be something for my therapist, if I still went to therapy. Perhaps it is a sign that I need to return.

But I’m still sane, I assure you. A sign of insanity would be to set up a blog where I eat a fruit pie each day, photograph it, write a review and rate it. Well, maybe that would be not insane, but strange. And I can’t do it anyway—I can’t get any Hostess cherry pies, much less one every day.

I figure that as long as I don’t start smearing cherry pie filling on my freshly shaved chest while googling pictures of Ladybird Johnson and singing “Yankee Doodle”, then my longing for these pies is neither fetishism nor a sign of my impending hospitilization.

But it would certainly be more healthy for me to eat the pies rather than obsess about them.

jj

…and I are celebrating the breaking of my fast. In about five minutes. It’s 11:55 here, and March begins at midnight.
I was getting awfully weak—that’s the reason I haven’t blogged in two days. That and the fact that I liked the picture of the mummy up at the top of the page. I may just have to put the mummy on a separate page up on the menu, so that everyone can look at him everyday, providing they stop by my blog.

Four minutes.

I think I’m going to go get the bottle right now and pour some, and then I can sniff it until midnight.

[pause]

I’m back.

Two minutes.

[pouring]

[sniffing]

Smells very nice.

One minute

[waiting]

It’s midnight.

[sipping]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

[crying]

Goodnight, everyone. I’m going to lay in my bed now and read Raymond Chandler, and sip the rest of the glass. I’ll blog tomorrow about something other than whiskey. I’m no longer dry, and I’m damn thankful. And I’m NOT looking forward to February 2007.

jj

While I’m on the subject of bourbon, here’s the most informative article I’ve read on the stuff lately:  bourbon.  Excellent reading.

jj

This is the last weekend of my alcohol fast. Last night I watched the two documentaries about the making of The Outlaw Josie Wales which accompany the movie on the DVD (I didn’t watch the movie, though, as it didn’t quite fit my mood). There’s one scene in the movie where Josie, upon finding that the saloon hasn’t had whiskey for some time, brings in a case to the cheers and wonderment of the few remaining town inhabitants. I cheered myself. But I, unlike the lucky patrons of that saloon, had to remain thirsty.

And I remain frustrated that bourbon-wise this town is nearly a lost cause: just Jim Beam and Jack Daniel’s and a few premiums brands which will set you back 30 or 40 Euros. What I WANT is to be able to walk into a supermarket and pick up a liter of Wild Turkey 101 for a reasonable price. What does Wild Turkey 101 cost these days in the States.

It’s Google Time!

[pause]

Well, that was a waste of time. What did I expect in America, where availability and price for booze varies widely from state to state. I found an online retailer selling it for $33 or so, and I found a price list for the Virgina ABC ($28.95). Pennsylvania sells it by the liter only at specialty outlets, but you can get it for $21.95. I saw some online gift shops wanting $45, but I suppose that includes gift packaging and maybe even shipping. Anyway, in America you can pay anywhere from 20 to 50 bucks for the same bottle of Wild Turkey.

I guess that I shouldn’t complain, since alcohol is apparently much more strictly regulated in some American states than in Germany, where it is hardly regulated at all. But at least there I could get my Wild Turkey.

I did see a one liter bottle of Laphroaig for 39 Euros in the window of a closed tobacco shop.

That’s not relevant, is it?

JJ

This morning I’m baking a chard tart. And I thought I’d blog about it because, after almost 30 years of being an enthusiastic hobby cook, I find that this recipe has just about the best ratio of effort/effect of any I know. It’s easy, easy, easy…yet it never fails to impress. It is the perfect recipe for a romantic evening: you bake it at your leisure, then serve it with a side dish of pasta and a nice wine, and your date will think you’re the reincarnation of Julia Child or something. Yet it is EASY.

I won’t exactly give you a recipe, but a rough outline of how to make it.

1. The crust. You take a small-sized coffee mug, fill it with flour and dump it into a mixing bowl, then repeat. (That’s two cups altogether, for the special people out there). Then you fill the mug up half with cold water, half with extra virgin olive oil. Dump it and a healthy pinch of salt into the mixing bowl. Mix. Then press the mixture into a spring form pan and put it to cool somewhere for an hour or two.

2. The filling. You sautee your finely chopped chard with one onion, seasoned as you like, until the excess water is cooked off. Put the chard in the mixing bowl with 1-3 beaten eggs and 1-3 kinds of cheese. (I usually use mozarella, feta, and gouda). A splash of cream doesn’t hurt. One important tip: more eggs makes it quiche-like, so quiche haters be forewarned.

Bake the crust for about 10 minutes by itself, then add the filling and bake until the crust is brown.

Serve it with the sourest Riesling you can find.

And send me a thank you note the next morning.

jj

I’ve got bourbon on the brain. I’ve gone over three weeks without alcohol, and that means I’ve had a lot of non-drinking time to think about drinking.

My plan, as I’ve already written, is to break my fast with bourbon. But since I’m boycotting Jack Daniel’s, and since I don’t want a cheap brand like Pennypacker (and I’m not going to pay for Jim Beam when—at least to me—it tastes like Pennypacker), I’ve been looking around to see what’s out there.

In town we can buy some interesting things, but mostly in the higher priced category of over 30 Euros a bottle. Karstadt, for example, has Knob Creek. And I did find a Wild Turkey Rye at a local store—but they want over 40 Euros for it.

The most interesting stuff, as usual, is online. Online you can find a rather large selection of bourbons, including, for example, Buffalo Trace, which I’ve read good things about.

But while I wouldn’t turn down a gift of any of these things, the one that really lights my fancy is this:

Now, that looks like my kind of whiskey!!! It’s called Bulleit Bourbon Frontier Whiskey, and looks not only fit for a man to drink, but has one of the coolest bottles I’ve ever seen. It weighs in at 90°, so there’s none of this pussified Jack Daniel’s perfidy going on. If you order it here, you can get it for 19.95 Euros a bottle. And the whole “frontier” motif thing has me all charged up and yodeling like Hank Williams. I know it’s just marketing. But I’m ready for a bottle. Hell, I’m ready for a case and I’ve never even tried the stuff.

Now I’ve just got to worry about how to get a free case from the company (assuming one of my faithful readers doesn’t beat them to the honor.) Here’s my plan:

1.) I’ll put a link on my blog. Then when the 10,000 readers a day show up and start clicking away, they’ll notice that thousands of hits per day are coming from stoneunhinged and say, “That man deserves a case!” Heres the link: Bulleit.

2.) I’ll give a title to this post which will attract the most possible searches, based on the search terms which have already brought so many—though admittedly less than 10,000 so far—to my blog.

Which explains the above title to this post. In case you were wondering.

jj

As Long as I’m on the subject, go here and sign the petition: back to 90°.

This is, I believe, the first online petition I’ve even signed. Just goes to show where my priorities lie.

jj